


The Place In Between

by Polarnacht



Series: Fate [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Afterlife, Alec Lightwood-centric, Cancer, Coping, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Moving On, Parabatai, Parabatai Feels, Protective Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24371974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: "Whenever Alec had thought about dying, he had thought it would be painful. He had thought that maybe he would die in a battle, slit open by a blade or by the claws of a demon, fighting alongside Jace against the evil. Frankly, he had always thought that there would be something heroic about the way he died. He had never thought he would die in his sleep, never really considered that one day he just would close his eyes, fall asleep to never wake up again. Yet, here he was."A story about death and life, love and letting go.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Original Female Character(s), Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Series: Fate [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675111
Comments: 14
Kudos: 27
Collections: Trope Celebration Event





	The Place In Between

**Author's Note:**

> This is part three of the fate series and starts right after the second ending of "The Fault in Our Stars", but can be read as a stand alone. "Sakura" is following Jace after Alec's death, whereas "The Place in Between" is following Alec. If you want to read the complete series, I recommend reading this story last.
> 
> Thank you Kissa for the amazing banner 💙💙💙

**The Place In Between**

Whenever Alec had thought about dying, he had thought it would be painful. He had thought that maybe he would die in a battle, slit open by a blade or by the claws of a demon, fighting alongside Jace against the evil. Frankly, he had always thought that there would be something heroic about the way he died. He had never thought he would die in his sleep, never really considered that one day he just would close his eyes, fall asleep to never wake up again. Yet, here he was.

Alec sighed silently when he looked down at the unmoving figure lying on the bed. He looked at himself, the way he lay snuggled up in cool silky sheets, a faint smile still on the lips, was rather peaceful. He knew he shouldn’t be so surprised, but he truly couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he was dead.

A couple of months back he had been diagnosed with lung cancer – a mundane illness, Shadowhunters weren’t supposed to get. Only that cancer hadn’t cared about that fact. After the first shock, he had decided to fight - with Jace, Izzy, Magnus and Catarina by his side. At the beginning, no one had dared to talk about dying - Alec had been all alone with his fears. Slowly, Jace had been able to admit that the chance of dying existed, facing and acknowledging his own fears and therefore also Alec’s. Jace had been there for him in every way possible, listening to him, voicing his own concerns, sometimes just holding him close and by that, taking the spike of the fear away. Especially the fear of Jace doing something stupid if he really was to die had paralyzed Alec. But Jace had promised to carry on, promised to try to be happy – and Alec knew he would keep that promise, like Jace had kept every promise made to him.

Alec smiled sadly when he thought of Jace. His lover. His best friend. His former Parabatai. His everything. At least Jace didn’t have to go through the separation of their Parabatai bond, the bond had snapped apart when Jace himself had died by the hands of his own father. He had been brought back by the Angel Raziel, but Alec doubted an angel would come for him. He should get used to being dead.

He sighed one more time, looking once again at his still body. Cancer had painted him like a canvas. His head was bold, no sign of his normally unruly, dark brown hair. His eyebrows and eyelashes were gone, so were his fingernails. He was skinny, his muscles had vanished due to lack of training and due to him constantly throwing up. In total, Alec shouldn’t be as surprised as he actually was by his own death. Cancer had taken over his life and it had taken over his death. His condition had looked better shortly, maybe that’s why he felt betrayed now. He had truly believed that he had been about to kick cancer’s ass.

He bit his lip, he knew Jace would be devastated to find him dead in their bed. Alone. He would blame himself, as he always blamed himself for anything. Already now, he missed Jace. Their relationship had even deepened through the rough path they had walked together. Especially Jace’s acceptance of Alec’s fear of death had bound them together tighter than ever. Without a doubt, Jace had been his one true love and he could just hope that the blond would be able to deal with his death, in one way or the other. 

He shook his head in confusion. Everything was messed up. Like every other human, he had had no real expectations what death was like, but he just felt it wasn’t supposed to be like that. He looked at his own hands and body, to find them as they had been before his illness – except that he was translucent now. Jace had told him about death, about the calmness and quietness he had experienced. He had said nothing about standing next to his own corpse.

Alec heard approaching steps, the quiet and careful steps of a trained Shadowhunter, who did his best to be as silent as possible to not wake up the lover who was supposed to be asleep. The moment the door opened, Alec smelled the distinguished flavor of cherry blossoms and he felt himself being sucked upwards in a whirlwind. He blinked, and just like that, he found himself in a green meadow, surrounded by beautiful cherry trees, which stood in full blossom.

***

Absentmindedly Alec ran his hands through the knee-high grass. It was a deep green and flowers flourished in between, red corn puppies next to blue cornflowers. The air smelled like cherries and peace. A warm sun was shining down on him from a spotless blue sky.

“You took your time.”

Startled, Alec turned around to find a dark haired, tall and scraggy girl looking at him with fierce eyes that reminded him a bit of a raptor. She was wearing dark robes, which stood in a clear contrast to her pale skin, but the most astonishing thing were here beautiful, black wings that came out of her back. Impatiently, she flapped them up and down, glaring at Alec.

“Excuse me?” Alec couldn’t help the edge in his voice.

“You died a while ago, yet you just appeared here now.” The girl sounded bored and a bit annoyed.

Alec crossed his arms over his chest. He was not in the mood of being scolded, he just had fucking died. He had been told what to do his whole life by his parents, by his tutor, by the Clave. Now being dead, he was done with being told.

“Excuse me for not rushing directly to this place. Whatever this place is.” He gestured towards the cherry trees.

“This? This is whatever you want it to be. It’s just a place in between anyway. Come, on, we have to get going.”

“Wait, what do you mean? A place between what?”

“Between life and death of course.” The girl rolled her eyes in an impressive, nearly Lightwood-like manner. “You were not on the brighter side of your species, were you?”

Alec looked at her speechless. Not only that he had died today, no, he was now faced with a winged devil in disguise.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“And why would you want to stay here? There is nothing here to do.”

Alec shrugged, it was a valid question. But something bound him to that place – the place in between as the girl had called it. He had not yet figured out what bound him, but it was there.

“What’s your name,” he asked suddenly.

The girl hesitated for a second. “You can call me Mors.”

“That’s a strange name.”

The girl scoffed. “And you think Alexander Gideon is a better one, uh?”

Alec couldn’t help the small smile tugging on his lips. She kind of had a point, at least Gideon had always been an awkward name.

“It’s actually Alec,” he offered, before he strolled towards the trees. Somehow he needed to see what was behind the trees.

“Be careful,” Mors warned, following him.

Alec sucked in a shaky breath. There was nothing behind the trees, the place just ended in a greyish, foggy nothingness.

“The place in between is really only this meadow. If you fall off, you will vanish for good. Come on, Alec. It’s time for us to go to the Other Place. The real afterlife.” She added, before Alec could ask again.

“So there is an afterlife?”

Mors rolled her eyes again. “Of course there is. And don’t be so startled. You know that demons and angels exist, so why shouldn’t there be an afterlife?” A good question, in deed. Yet, Alec couldn’t agree to go with her. There was something holding him at this place - at the meadow full of cherry trees.

“I… I just can’t.” Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice sounding clearly from the nothingness.

_“Until death parts thee and me.”_

Jace. Their Parabatai oath. Alec stepped closer to the edge, looking carefully down, trying to figure out something in the greyish fog surrounding the meadow. In the faint distance, he saw a small pyre burning in the middle of a beach. His pyre to be precise. He saw Jace standing next to it, surrounded by Magnus, Catarina, Izzy, Simon and Clary. He even recognized his parents.

“How is this possible?” Alec stuttered. He just had died a couple of minutes ago, how could they burn him so quickly?

“Time passes differently here. What is a minute on earth can be a lifetime here and what is a blink of an eye here, can be years there.” Mors stood close to him now, looking down with him on his own funeral. She sighed.

“I see what is keeping you here. This awful Parabatai bond. I really loath Jonathan angelbedamned Shadowhunter for inventing it. It always causes trouble.”

“What do you mean? Our bond has been severed even before I died. Jace kind of died and our runes have vanished in the process.”

“Yeah, yeah, your runes may have vanished, but your souls are still connected. That’s why you cannot let go. That’s why you still want to be here. You still care for him too much. But you have to let go, Alec, if you don’t want to become a ghost, that is.”

A ghost. No, Alec was sure he didn’t want to become a ghost. He had heard of ghosts, even though he had not the capability to see them. But he knew the stories about Jessamine, a ghost who guarded the British Institute. Ghosts were trapped in between the worlds forever, not able to go back and not able to move on. They were not dead, but yet, they were also not alive. Alec surely didn’t want that. But something told him, maybe the part of his soul which was still with Jace, that the blond still needed him. And he would rather be damned than leave his lover like this.

“I don’t want to be a ghost, but I can’t go just yet. He still needs me.” Alec shook stubbornly his head, making Mors curse under her breath.

“I knew that blond was trouble the first time I met him here.”

“What do you mean? You met Jace?”

“Of course I know him. You said it yourself, dumbass, he died. And of course I was supposed to pick him up like everybody else who dies. He even chose the same setting as you, cherry blossoms and such.” She looked around quickly to remind herself. “Yes, it looked exactly like that. Told you, your soulbond is still there. And actually he is quite hard to forget. It does not happen often that someone dies and a minute later an angel shows up, stomping his feet like a toddler, demanding him back on earth.”

Alec laughed helplessly, the image of the Angel Raziel throwing a tantrum to get Jace back, too much. Everything was a bit too much if he was honest.

“There, there.” Mors patted a bit awkwardly his back, trying to calm him down, before she sighed deeply.

“Listen, I have other things to attend to. I can grant you a bit of time, but as I said, not too much, otherwise you will turn into a ghost. Sort your things out with your Parabatai. You have to let him go.”

_Never_.

But Alec said nothing, he just nodded and squeezed thankfully her hand, before she took off the ground by spreading her black wings to vanish into the spotless sky.

***

Alec watched a moment longer his own funeral, but he couldn’t hear Jace anymore. He saw him sit down and Izzy joining him, both hugging and holding on to each other. To his surprise, he felt his cheeks getting wet. He was not sure why he cried, if he cried for himself or for Izzy and Jace. Probably for all three of them.

He shivered lightly, the cold driving him away, back into the quietness and warmness of the meadow. He breathed in deeply, the smell of cherries overwhelming. He really was dead. He had not yet come to terms with it. He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat and wiped away the tears. There were so many things he had wanted to do, wanted to accomplish. For a moment, he let himself wallow in his sorrow, let the tears fall and cry over everything he would never be able to do. Seeing the world. Getting married. Growing old. But he also realized that the most important thing he had done. He had been loved. He had loved. He still did, and that was the hardest part of all. He still loved Jace with all his heart and it was hard to imagine that this would ever change. Jace had been his sun, his light, but also his dark moon, as you needed the darkness to see the light.

In the golden light of the meadow, he missed the darkness. There was no night or day, there were no clouds, no rain, only an ever-blasting sun, shining down on him and flashing everything in the brightest colors. But when everything was always bright, how could one define brightness any longer? Was it truly the light one saw or was it just another kind of darkness?

***

Alec spent his time watching Jace. At the beginning, he watched him drown in sorrow, rage and anger, throwing himself in every dangerous situation he could find. Alec’s palms showed fingernail shaped marks from the force with which he curled his hands into fists while watching his lover endanger his life over and over again. But to Alec’s relieve, he made it out alive every single time.

Alec tried, but no matter what he did, he just could not reach Jace. He yelled, he pleaded, he begged, all with the same result. Which was not that surprising, he was dead after all. Yet Alec had the distinctive feeling that he was not done with life. There was something he still had to do before he could let got. Before he could let go Jace. Just the thought made his throat feel tight and he had to swallow hard to keep the tears at bay.

Alec watched Jace drown in alcohol. With a frown on his face the raven boy stood at the edge of the meadow and saw Jace getting drunk in a shady club, for the fifth time in a row. He sighed and rolled his eyes, when Mors’ sudden appearance startled him.

“He is doing pretty well, your golden boy.” Alec had to stifle a hollow laugh.

“If you consider getting so drunk that you vomit in your friend’s corridor and then collapse into it good, then yes. He is doing awesome.”

Mors rolled her eyes and slapped him lightly on the head, while she hovered over the ground next to him, watching Magnus helping Jace getting cleaned up, as the Shadowhunter was still lodging with Magnus.

“I mean that he has friends. Friends who care, idiot. Not many have those.”

Alec had to admit, it was true. Next to their sister Izzy, there was Magnus, who stood stoically and lovingly by Jace’s side, no matter what the blond did.

“Oh. Never considered that. Yes, he has friends. So you think he will be ok?”

Mors wrinkled her nose.

“I don’t know. I think so I guess. He is hurting, sure. But he has experienced the most precious thing in life. True love. Not many have. And boy, most cannot shut up complaining about that when they end up here and I come to collect them.”

“Pretty shitty job, hu? So they complain a lot?”

“You have no idea. Especially those who end up on the not so nice side of the Other Place. _But I didn’t mean to, but I just wanted to, I had a bad childhood, deep down I am a good person, blah blah._ No, you weren’t, so suck it up, you deserve what is coming your way.”

Her wings flapped more rapidly now, making her fly up and down instead of the calm hovering.

“And then there are the ones who keep complaining that they have unfinished business on earth and don’t want to move on at all.” She glared pointedly at Alec. “So, little Shadowhunter. Ready to move on? You see he is doing just fine.”

Alec had to hide a smile, he would still not use the term _just fine_ for Jace, but he saw the affection of the others towards him, and his heart ached a little less. But still.

“I’m sorry Mors, but I can’t. I am sorry for making your life more difficult, but there is something I need to do first before I can come with you. I just don’t know what it is yet.”

Mors sighed, but her eye-roll could be nearly described as fond when she spread her black wings fully to head to another poor soul who just had died and was now waiting for her to accompany them to the next level.

***

Time truly went different here. Alec watched in astonishment his friends celebrate his first death anniversary. He bit his lip. One year already, even though for him it had felt only like a few days, weeks maybe. Hard to tell without night and day.

***

Alec was just about to lay down when he heard somebody scream his name. Well not somebody, Jace. He jumped up in an instant and ran towards the edge of the meadow. There had always been only greyish fog around the meadow with earth visible in the far distance, but out of a sudden, another place had appeared.

A grey hell, Alec had no better words for it. And Jace was standing in the middle of it. He had a blade in hand and was running towards a kind of altar, where someone was strapped down. Alec’s blood froze in his veins when he realized that it was him, who was strapped down, naked, apparently in agony as he was screaming the whole time. And Jace was screaming Alec’s name, the same agony clearly audible in his strained voice. With horror Alec watched Jace urge towards the other Alec, trying to cut him free but not succeeding. He gasped in surprise when he saw himself die, covering the whole altar in blood, the crimson red a harsh contrast to the world full of grey.

He screamed Jace’s name over and over again, but in vein. Jace couldn’t hear him. Jace’s name died on his lips when he saw the world around the blond shift, creating a new grey hell, a new method for the other Alec to die. A new hell to torture Jace, as it was clear that no matter what his lover did, he was never to safe the other Alec, as the other Alec was not a person, it was just an image. A cruel, horrible image. Alec could clearly see it, but it seemed Jace couldn’t, as no matter how many times the world around him changed, his attempts to save the image didn’t waver once.

“Mors,” Alec screamed. He needed to get to Jace. He had no idea what was happening, but he needed to get to him. He needed to stop this nightmare.

“Mors!”

Where was the girl when he needed her? Alec looked at the wasteland Jace was standing in and judged the distance. Was there any chance he could jump? He still bore his runes, but they didn’t work, they were just like tattoos. When he was just about to try, he heard the comforting sound of flapping wings.

Her initially annoyed look changed into one of pity when she saw Jace struggle to safe the image of Alec.

“Oh dear.” She sighed heavily. “Don’t’ watch that, Alec. It will not end well.”

“What the hell is this Mors? Why is Jace up here and what is he doing? Why can’t he see that this is not real?”

“Because for him it is. I’ve seen this before. He is cursed by a warlock to relive his biggest nightmare countless times, until he ends up mad or kills himself. Or, technically, he could just stop, but I have never really seen that happening before. I have never seen someone defying his biggest fear. It’s one of the meanest curses around.”

“But I’m already dead. How can this be his greatest fear?” His voice was desperate and nearly cracked, he blinked a few times to hold the prickling in his eyes in check.

Mors muttered something under her breath and though Alec was not entirely sure, it sounded a lot like _“screw Jonathan Shadowhunter”._

“You’re his Parabatai, Alec. You’re the love of his life. How can he not fear losing you the most?” Alec was surprised to hear her voice so gentle. “Come, hop on.”

“What?”

Mors muttered again under her breath, and this time Alec was sure it was _“not the brightest candle on the chandelier”._

She hold out her arms. “I’ll fly you over, hop on. Would be nice to see something happen for the first time when you have lived for so long as I have. Save your Parabatai, Alec. But remember pretty boy: It is neither your world nor it is his. You both have to move on from it.”

Alec eyed her suspiciously, she was tall but very lean. But better than trying to jump he concluded.

“For how long are you alive,” he asked, half because he really was curious, half to distract himself.

“Since the beginning of time. And I know, don’t mention it. I look good for my age.”

She smirked a little, while she scooped Alec up bridal style without any effort. After a short flight she dropped Alec off and flew back to the meadow, but not before reminding Alec that he had not much time.

Alec landed behind Jace in a scenery that looked like New York but with unusual empty streets. Jace held a blade in hand, ready to move towards a building, when the soft plop of Alec’s landing startled him and he turned around. The blade shattered to the ground with a loud bang.

“Alec.” Alec couldn’t help but smile. His name, spoken by his lover like a prayer together with the radiant smile which spread over Jace’s face made Alec feel better and lighter instantly. Maybe he was not only here to safe Jace. Maybe he was also here because he himself needed saving.

“Jace. My Jace.” It was a blessing to be able to speak these words again. He had never thought to do so again.

But before they could carry on, the horrible screams of the vision started again and with a groan, Jace run after the screams. Alec shook his head, watching the other Alec being killed by a car. That would not be an easy task.

The same happened a few times, Jace choosing the screams over Alec. Whenever he failed to rescue the image, the world changed and a new scenery was built. Alec couldn’t blame Jace, the screams did sound exactly like him and the agony and the plea in them were hard to ignore.

“No matter how hard you try Jace, you will never save that Alec. I’m already dead.” But Jace didn’t listen, again the world under Alec’s feet rotated and he found himself on a sandy beach, the same beach where his pyre had burned the day of his funeral. The place where _he_ had burned.

In the distance he saw Mors, indicating him to hurry. Technically he was not supposed to be here at all, Mors had explained to him. Technically they were cheating. But she had just chuckled and said that she didn’t care. But Alec could not stay too long in Jace’s nightmare, otherwise he would be trapped in it. Alec shuddered at the thought of that, but he would not let Jace rot in this hell and save himself. Two in and two out.

He reached for Jace, but in the last second, he let his hand drop. He knew he couldn’t touch him. He was not real to Jace, not in the same way as Jace was real to him.

“Stay with me Jace. You know it is not Alec.” He put all the tenderness he felt in his heart into his voice. As he could not touch Jace’s body in the loving way he wanted to, he tried to touch Jace’s soul. And his voice said it all, better than any words or touches. Alec saw the turmoil Jace was in, drawn between Alec’s love and the pained screams that still were audible in the distance, but he felt he had won.

“If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Alec smiled at Jace’s words, a pulse of joy rushing through his body. He glanced over the rough, greyish see towards Mors, who gave him a thumbs up. If Alec could, he would lie forever in the greyish sand, next to his lover and just watch him, watch his beautiful features, his mismatched eyes, the small pout on his lips, which he had kissed so often and not often enough.

He settled down next to the blond, who had lain down on the grey sand. When Alec settled down beside him, he knew the time with Jace had not been enough for him, but it had been enough for Jace. He had loved him enough so that Jace could carry on living. He had loved him enough so that Jace would find the ability to love again and let himself be loved again.

“I love you.” Those three words spoken by his lover. He had heard them often and yet he could not get enough of the sound of them, the meaning, the way Jace’s eyes went soft every time he said it to him.

“And I love you, Jace. Even death cannot change that.”

He wished he had said it more often, even though he had told it the blond every day. Just like Jace’s name, he had not thought he could say it ever again and he was more than grateful to do so one last time.

He smiled a little when he thought back at the beginning of their relationship, when they still had had to hide as they had been Parabatai, their bond intact. How nervous he had felt to confess his love. And how natural it was now, to hear it, to say it, to feel it. He would never stop loving Jace and he was sure neither did Jace. Yet, he knew he needed to let got. Mors was right. This was not his place and neither was it Jace’s. And they both didn’t need to stop loving each other. They just had to move on, Jace had to go back to Izzy and his life, Alec had to go with Mors to the Other Place. Whatever it was. But he was not afraid of moving on, not any longer. He would carry Jace’s shining light with him as well as his grounding darkness.

“I’ll never leave you Jace. But you have to take care of our little sister. She is calling you.” Indeed, both could hear Izzy’s desperate voice ringing over the grey beach, calling out her brother’s name. Jace was crying now, the tears turning the greyish ground around him golden. _His golden boy_. Alec sighed inwardly, saying goodbye to Jace was the hardest thing he had ever done. A lot harder than dying itself. But he heard Mors calling out his name now, an urge to it he could no longer ignore. When he looked down at his slightly shaking hand, he saw it turn grey at the edges. He really needed to go.

“We both need to go. You need to go back and I need to go forward.”

With tears in his eyes Jace nodded, whispering a nearly silent “Ok” before he leaned in. Alec smiled, leaning closer to Jace. It was not an actual kiss, their lips barely touched but Alec could taste Jace, the salt of his tears and the unique flavor that was unmistakably Jace.

The moment their lips brushed over each other, Jace vanished and Mors scooped Alec up, lifting him in the air and bringing him back to the meadow full of cherry trees.

***

Alec stood at the edge of the meadow once again, looking down. His heart felt lighter the more he watched. It was as if he watched a movie in fast motion. He saw his sister Izzy moving to L.A. away from the bad influence of their parents. He watched Jace become friends with a young Shadowhunter called Liam in Belfast, whereto Jace had transferred after leaving New York.

Years passed, but for Alec it was just a blink of an eye. Each anniversary, Jace and the others gathered around the beach where his funeral had been held. Each time, Alec showed up quickly, to let Jace know he was still there, to remind the blond that he was still loved and cared for.

Alec watched Jace fall in love with a mundane girl named Sasha. He was not jealous when he watched Jace fall for her, he was genuinely happy. And proud that the blond was ready to love again and to be loved again by someone who was not him.

On the fifth anniversary, Jace took Liam and Sasha with him to the gathering at the beach.

When Alec saw Jace surrounded by new and old friends, he knew it was time for him to move on, too. It was ok to let go now.

“Mors,” he gasped softly, like so often he hadn’t heard the girl approach.

“Ready?” She tried to sound annoyed, but failed.

“Yes. And thank you.”

“For what?”

“Waiting for me. And making the time pass quickly so that I could watch Jace be happy again without turning into a ghost.”

Mors just laughed. “You think I can meddle with time?” A mischievous grin was on her face when she winked lightly at him. Alec was sure that she was capable of even more.

“Let’s get you home, Alec. Max is waiting for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are loved 💙💙


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